Working on my relationship thinking → Exercises →
#
>

Tim Urban

→
#
>

Notes

→
#
>

If you’re typically a brain person, when it comes to The Decision, you want to try to not be you. Because the brain, for all its merits, does not do well in this situation, where the outcome is critical and evidence is hard to come by.

→
#
>

You decide to make a big chart where you list all the things you like and don’t like about your relationship—a relationship-assessment chart. You end up here:

→
#
>

Gut thought experiments

→
#
>

Find out where your gut is leaning, using thought experiments:

→
#
>

Examples

→
#
>

Imagine you were being arranged married by the town matchmaker and she handed you an envelope with your to-be spouse’s name written inside. You open the envelope and it’s the name of your current partner.”

→
#
>

Feel pretty good then, not ecstatic but not bad

→
#
>

Glad to have some validation that I just need to work on this relationship not go trying to do better

→
#
>

7/10

→
#
>

Picture two gravestones next to each other—yours and your partners. Does that feel right?

→
#
>

5/10, ok

→
#
>

If there were a big green button in front of me that, if pressed, would make me fully single, where everything has been worked out with getting our things from each other’s apartments, where everyone in my life already knows, and where I’m totally emotionally recovered and moving on—in fact, I have a date tonight—would I press the button?” (and / or immersed in new relationship)

→
#
>

This one’s hard. Feels like this is the one that makes or breaks it. Holding all else equal would I take a new relationship at the same point?

→
#
>

What if The Decision weren’t between breaking up and marriage, but only between breaking up and committing to the relationship for the next five years?

→
#
>

Not super helpful, since it’s a pretty important 5 years

→
#
>

others?

→
#
>

Go through child names and imagine discussing them.

→
#
>

One core problem seems to be that I don’t love discussing things with her. I can’t tell if that’s just a “these days” thing or more permanent

→
#
>

Is this true?

→
#
>

Buying a home together, am I looking forward to that?

→
#
>

Would I give up a job that would help my career to stay together?

→
#
>

Dealbreakers

→
#
>

Examples

→
#
>

There’s no way I can figure out how to be happy with someone who is / isn’t ____.

→
#
>

There’s no way I can figure out how to be happy with someone who does / doesn’t __.

→
#
>

There’s no way I can figure out how to be happy with someone who values / doesn’t value ____.

→
#
>

There’s no way I can figure out how to be happy with someone who treats me / doesn’t treat me ____.

→
#
>

There’s no way I can figure out how to be happy with someone who believes / doesn’t believe ____.

→
#
>

Out of principle, I will only be with / will not be with someone who ____.

→
#
>

separate fixable vs unfixable problems (some dealbreakers may be fixable)

→
#
>

Thoughts

→
#
>

Money and materialism

→
#
>

need to be able to discuss things deeply without feeling hurt / sensitive

→
#
>

When drinking I get stressed

→
#
>

Part of the epic friendship is being able to go on bus rides with homeless people at night. Is that a requirement?

→
#
>

Do I need to be willing to give up a professional aspiration to make the relationship work? e.g. not going to SF to stay together

→